I used to be huge stoner and thought weed was a wonderful plant that supported creativity and spirituality. After years of soul searching, I found out that not only was I wrong, but that weed was very harmful and was suppressing my true vitality. My life without weed is much, much better. Here’s my story.
“Weed’s not addictive, dude!”
When I was deep in my marijuana habit, smoking 4x times/day, I was absolutely, positively sure that it was impossible to be addicted to it. I truly believed weed was a harmless plant that elevated consciousness, not a damaging narcotic like opiates or even alcohol. The latter substances, I declared, wrecked lives, while cannibis enhanced them. After all, I thought, weed helped people-it allowed users connect to their spirituality and creativity. The only reason it was illegal, I pontificated, was because our oppressive government wanted to prevent its citizens from getting enlightened. Pot was good for the planet. Pass the bowl.
There were other reasons for my marijuana use about which I was much less vocal.
I had always felt like a weirdo that didn’t fit in, and marijuana made me feel less awkward in social situations. Since I didn’t feel like I was cool enough just being myself, I would bring weed to parties as a way to make up for what I thought I lacked in personality. I might not be interesting enough to talk to, but if I lit up a joint and passed it around, surely people would want to hang around me.
Pot also “helped” me in non-social settings by quelling my anxiety. I know now that weed allows people to dissociate and disconnect from their heart and get up in their head (hence “getting high”). So if I was feeling anxious or irritated, all I had to do was smoke a bit to make those feelings go away.
Putting down the bong
About four years into my constant marijuana use I watched a Divine Truth talk, lead by Jesus, about addictions. (More about my Divine Truth journey Here) Basically, in the talk Jesus outlined how addictions are anything that helps us avoid unpleasant feelings. By his definition, addictions could be substances, but also behaviors like pandering to others or working 90 hours a week. And more importantly, addictions don’t really make us happy long term as our tolerance goes up, meaning we need more and more of them to get the same “fix”. And lastly, addictions keep us from having a relationship with God. As a former hardcore atheist, I wasn’t really sure about the whole God thing. But one thing was clear, weed didn’t feel so great anymore and I needed to smoke more and more just to feel “okay”. I decided to quit smoking for 6 weeks.
Getting Super Pissed
Within a day of quitting I noticed I had become more irritable. Little things bothered me. I started being short with people and generally feeling dissatisfied. I wasn’t the only one. My live-in partner, who was still smoking, started getting irritated too, especially as the days turned into weeks and he realized I was serious about quitting. Irritability turned into full on rage.
My romantic relationship wasn’t the only one affected. I realized that most of my current friendships revolved around weed. It was weird and awkward hanging out with my friends and watching them smoke while I abstained. I didn’t feel like I was “on their level” when they were high and our conversations didn’t flow easily like they used to. Within a matter of weeks, my partner and I broke up and most of my friendships faded.
Over the next two years I went on and off of weed, picking it up every time I didn’t want to feel angry, uncool or anxious. I started going to therapy and began to investigate what I was so angry about. With the encouragement from my therapist and and some Divine Truth videos, I started physically expressing my anger. I bashed pillows, screamed and yelled, and even broke non-valuable stuff in my apartment. I noticed that when I had the urge to smoke, and I went on one of my bashing/screaming sessions, the urge went away. With the help of my therapist and a lot of journaling, I realized I had a lot of pent up rage about how I’d been treated by others (especially by adults in my childhood) as I often pandered to people to get in their good graces. I was also angry about where my life was. I had made some bad choices and was upset with my lack of personal and professional success.
The Cloud is Lifted
Over that two year period and since then, I’ve developed a whole new view on marijuana. I realized how it kept me from feeling my anger and anxiety, which are warning signs from my body that something was very wrong! Therapy, Divine Truth and my own full-on burning desire to find out what was going on inside myself lead me to some gnarly pain that was underneath all that anger and anxiousness. I felt so much better after dealing with some of that pain. I’d say I’m much more in touch with myself and a lot happier over all.
(Side note- I’ve also learned from DT that weed smoking is a sign that someone wants other people to take care of them. To me that makes sense considering the “lazy stoner” stereotype. Just saying.)
I also discovered that smoking marijuana allowed spirits to have more influence over me. (Spirits, put plainly, are people who have died and no longer have a physical body. Most people cannot see spirits, except very young children and some clairvoyants.) When I smoked, I would have the all these ideas pop into my head that weren’t there before. My mood would change. In the early years, I enjoyed this sensation as it lead to some “Eureka” moments and helped my creativity flow. But over time, the more I smoked, the artwork I produced became darker and sadder.
I realize now that whenever I smoked, spirits were “hooking” into me, sometimes helping me solve problems, but more often scaring and intimidating me with scary thoughts and images. No wonder paranoia is side effect of marijuana. My artwork these days is much brighter and more hopeful.
No longer tempted
Nowadays, in the rare situation that I’m around people who are smoking weed, I don’t want it at all. It is no longer appealing to me like it was in the first two years after I quit. At this point it just triggers regret and bad memories of my stoner days that I have yet to process.
I still have friends who use marijuana, and I have offered my opinion on weed smoking to most of them. I truly hope they will find out what I have-that underneath their desire to get high is a lot of pain. Pain that is begging to be released and is making them feel worse every second that they ignore it.
Conclusion– Weed helped to hide my true self
I’m still avoiding a mountain of pain with other addictions, but It’s a humungous relief to have the ball and chain of marijuana cut from my limbs. Its like this metaphor Jesus uses of how our true self (who is an inherently happy beautiful person) is at the bottom this huge dirt pile of pile of pain, which is underneath (among other things) another dirt pile of addictions. Marijuana was like one of the top layers on my addiction pile. Removing it brought me closer to my pain and exposed other addictions. But the best part was that it brought me closer to my true self. From the glimpses I’ve seen my true self is super creative, expressive and loving. Getting in touch with that part of myself feels thousand times better than marijuana ever did.
8 thoughts on “My Addiction to Marijuana”
Such an insightful helpful blog, really stunning artwork too. So happy you broke free from the weed shackles and think it’s so beautiful you are now helping others to do the same by sharing your story and art in an honest way
Thanks for sharing. Love you.
I am so moved by this raw and authentic expression of your experience. I am blessed to know you and have met you. I genuinely believe and support your path as it is what has made you into who you are – which is a person I do love and care about. You and I had a conversation awhile back about family, which gave me the strength to make some major positive life decisions surrounding my own experience with family. You are forever welcome at our home in San Miguel De Allende, even if you just need a place to come meditate for a week and talk to nobody. Much love – K
Welcome home beautiful. I found my way back to God myself and see him thru eyes I never knew I had. It all makes so much sense now. I love you.
Helena you were cool before it was cool to be cool!!! 😁 I always think of you fondly as a childhood friend. I wasn’t the nicest kid unfortunately, but with the help of Jesus I am grateful to say I am a recovering ‘mean girl’. I love your open honest words here! I too have struggled with addiction. Best of luck in all that you do with your amazing talent. I will keep you in my prayers! ❤️
Thank you!! I really needed to hear that. I have quit a few times but the desire to smoke still so strong. I am always working on my emotions of pain, fear and anger, I feel I have released a lot. But still struggling with this particular addiction. I am even embarrassed to say that but I had the chance to ask Jesus personally in one of the talks about this topic, it was 9 Years ago, and I still couldn’t shift the desire to smoke. Your article have helped me to touch on some personal pain related to the addiction again. Thank you!! All the best!!
I’m glad to hear that this blog post was helpful to you. Good luck with feeling your pain!
You’re on the “right path” whenever you can free yourself from mind altering substances. Mind in it’s unadulterated state is more pure, more inspiring, than its altered counterfeit state. I have been an admirer of your talent since your earliest Williamston days.