I started Carpentry school in Australia in January 2024. It’s been a wild ride.

Carpentry has brought up some issues I was mildly aware of, but didn’t realise were so bothersome. Some of those feelings are:

-Ashamed of Being a Woman: Feeling inferior to men generally, noted especially in regards to physical strength. (Not sure if this true at this stage)
-Most Men Think I’m Trash: Believing that most men feel women are inferior and definitely don’t belong on a building site, or even in carpentry school. (Not sure if this true at this stage)
-Wanting Men’s approval through my work: Wanting to prove that even though I am a woman, and therefore inferior, I will work really, really hard for men to make up for my gender.  (“I’m not so bad….for a woman”)

Year One

The first year of school was a mix of me being super pissed about having to feel the above feelings, fearing power tools, and wondering if I was an idiot for even trying to be a female carpenter. What was I thinking?  

I shot myself with a framing gun (don’t worry, it wasn’t deep), angry cried in the campus bathroom several times, and generally felt frustrated.  Those times I did have bathroom tantrums were a good choice.  When I didn’t do that, and instead seethed in class, it must have been very unpleasant for my teacher and classmates.

The framing gun and I are on friendlier terms these days.

During that first year, I also had a placement (internship) with God’s Way (GW), Divine Truth’s (DT) non-profit arm, designed to put DT teachings into practice. GW provided an environment where I could talk openly about these feelings with my supervisors, which was really comforting. I felt safe there.  I had tantrums there as well, but in the bush instead of a bathroom.  My supervisor was mainly Corny, who was generous with his knowledge of building/carpentry, as well as spiritual matters.  

On the Drill Press during my Placement for God’s Way!

Year Two

In early 2025, I started my 2nd year of carpentry and got a job with a local builder. I was no longer in the comfy bubble of GW. Right from the start at my new job, I got my ass kicked physically.  I questioned if I had “what it took” to be in the building industry. However, I also felt more at ease due to the fact that with a year of experience under my belt, I was much less afraid of power tools and much more confident in my abilities. I started to see that I liked building. It’s honest work that provides an essential gift to people: a place to live!   My boss was very experienced and knowledgeable and gave me lots of feedback, some of which echoed Corny’s.

Around the same time, I attended one of Jesus and Mary’s (Main teachers of Divine Truth) talks in Murgon, QLD. It was all about God, and putting him/her first in our lives. Jesus gave the attendees homework:

1. List the feelings about God: What does God think of me and what do I think of God?
2. Ask ourselves: how much do I want to feel the above feelings?
3. Pray for the truth of what God’s feelings are and what God’s true personality really is.

I really hated this homework. Here were my initial answers:

1. God is a bossy, distant man who doesn’t think much of me outside of wanting my adoration.
2. I don’t want to feel these feelings at all.
3. Ok, I’ll pray, but I don’t have high expectations

I did the homework, and it sucked, meaning it was very painful. I did end up feeling a little, which surprised me considering my answer to #2. But I realised that the way I feel men perceive me, especially in a male dominated environment like a carpentry school or a job, closely resembles how I think God feels about me. So, my attraction to the carpentry trade is a perfect opportunity for me to sort out my issues with God. And it may seem obvious, but I realised that most of these feelings stem from my relationship with my Dad.

When I shared what I felt when doing my homework at another GW event, I found a lot of women related to what I said. My hope that in being transparent in my journey as a woman in a male-dominated industry, it may help other women and men in their own journeys with gender stuff.

Posing with the first Sawhorse I made at school.

From what I’ve heard, God doesn’t feel women are inferior to men nor does he feel that only men can be good carpenters. At this point, I don’t feel that is true. But I am growing faith that if I’m brave enough to keep going on this path, and even more importantly, feel whatever arises as I do so, I will have a chance to get to know how God really feels and what God is really like. As in, maybe God isn’t a bossy, distant egotistical man I’m desperate to get approval from. Maybe God loves me, not in spite of being a woman, but because he created me to be a woman and is happy and proud of that creation.  Seeing God in this new way seems very far off to me at this point, but we shall see how I go. 

PS: Jesus has recommended this Padgett message about the differences between the genders that I found helpful. I fell asleep the first time I read it, and I find it very confronting. So definitely worth a read!

I’ve started a podcast about American emotional injuries. Check it out:

Born in the USA: Unloving American Attitudes.   

My intention is to share what I’ve learned (mostly intellectually) from Divine Truth along with my experience growing up in the US. I hope to shine a light on my country’s biggest unloving issues as I attempt to deal with them myself. The first episode is about entitlement.

Listening options:

• On my blog
• Spotify
• Apple Podcasts

I say I want freedom
But will I say goodbye to the midnight high?

I say I want love
But will I continue with tantrums and denial?

I want life!
(Tip the scale, you will not fail)

I want hope!
(Feel the pain, it stops the drain)

What was my life?

Weed, booze and wild times.
Then meditation, yoga and gurus.
Payments, dues and monstrous fines
Accusations, impatience (that’s not the real you)

Time abroad and time away
Forest shrink and books decay

Vampires visit, I suck their lust
Masks unveiled, broken trust

I’ve been told a simple way to leave all the self destruction behind
Raged to think it was so straight forward to cross that line

Now I’m stuck between the past and a better life

It’s up to me.
What do I want-more freedom or more strife?

They raised me to blame myself first,
So I never could never point my finger at them.
So I would always beat myself up instead.
So they could avoid their own hurt.

They raised me to self doubt,
So I’ll be there prisoner forever.
Never put two and two together
And realize there was a way out.

They raised me to be scared
so when they raged I’d cower.
Be their doormat-hour by hour
Never say ‘no’- I wouldn’t dare.

They raised me to be their meat,
So I’ll be theirs to feed upon.
Left me maimed and bruised and beat on.
Oh my carcass they were glad to eat.

They raised me to become prey,
So any predator could attack
Knowing I’d never fight back
Knowing I’d always obey.

Being accepted was so simple. All I did was wear a costume:

And lots of people wanted me. 

.

I was the Jester.

Humiliated myself. Smiled and performed 

So they would feel higher

.

I was the Ornament

Eviscerated myself. Twinkled and twirled

So they would look good

.

But it felt so bad.

So I took off the costume:

And now it feels like nobody wants me

.

I stood up for myself

 And she said I attacked her.

I cried, “you’re hurting me”

 And he stopped calling

.

And since my oxygen is their approval,

Since their validation my bread and butter,

I’m barely breathing

And my stomach gnaws empty.

I’m listless and pointless.

It feels like I’m going to shrivel up and die like this.

.

And they’ll say it was a shame, 

She used to be so fun 

and full of life.

Divine Truth (DT) is a series of teachings that I  initially thought was crazy and now believe are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Here’s my story.  

Side note: this is just my opinion of DT, for the best information, I recommend going to the official Divine Truth website and/or YouTube channel.

“They must be crazy”

Some years ago, someone showed me DT YouTube video for the first time.  It was interview with the two main teachers, an Australian couple who claimed to be the reincarnation of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The basic idea with DT, I gathered, was that God was real and these two people wanted to teach others how to have a relationship with him.

Whoah.  That was a lot for me to take in.

After watching the interview I concluded: 

A. I didn’t believe that they were who they said they were, but 

B. I didn’t believe they were lying.    

I brushed the video off as two nice Aussies who were a bit looney and moved on with my life. 

From Curious to Mind-Blown

Some time past, and I found myself thinking about that Aussie couple again and again, wondering what their “deal” was.  I was curious. Returning to their YouTube channel, I watched more videos, this time with an open mind.

I loved what I was hearing. Mysteries I wondered about for most of my life were being explained en masse-what motivates people to do bad things, the existence of God, the reason for living.  There were talks and seminars about an incredibly wide range of subjects such as family dynamics, world politics, ghosts and a personal favorite, “what happens when you die”. My mind was getting blown. The DT YouTube channel had and still has literally hundreds of hours of material — all for free.

Nervous that others would think I was a weirdo for listening to two people who said they were the messiah and his girlfriend reincarnate, I kept my new fascination mostly to myself.  I googled “Australian Jesus” and read the myriad news articles and blogs basically slamming the couple and saying they were cult leaders.  I felt conflicted.  But then I got real with myself.  I knew, on a deep level, that this DT stuff was truthful, and any reluctance I felt toward it was due to:

A. Fear of other people thinking I was crazy, but even bigger

B. Terror of how my life was going to change if I actually applied what I was hearing.

Taking it Personally.

After watching many hours of DT seminars, lectures and interviews, a few main points in particular stood out to me:  

1. There is a God and there is plenty of evidence for her existence.
2. In order to have a relationship with God, or to be truly happy, you have to be in touch with your emotions by giving up your addictions. Addictions being any substance or behavior you engage to avoid emotion.  By DT’s definition, an addiction is not just the quintessential image of a junkie shooting up heroin.  It can be seemingly innocuous behavior like binging a TV show to ‘blow off steam’ or pandering to your cranky spouse so you don’t get into an argument.  
3. Giving up addictions means that you will automatically experience unpleasant emotions.  Think about taking the heroin away from that junkie, or cancelling someone’s Netflix subscription just as they sit down in front of their TV after a long day at work.  People get pissed off when you take away their creature comforts.

Now I was the one getting I pissed!  I was afraid of potentially feeling unpleasant emotions.  But bigger than my fear were these two burning desires: 

1. I wanted to be happy.  I knew deep down underneath my achievements and perky, tough chick façade that I was miserable, and had been for most of my life.
2. I wanted to know God.  Who or what was he? Where was he?  Did he love me, or even know that I existed?

If I really wanted those two things-one thing was clear: I was gonna have to delve into my own personal pain.  

Feeling It

With the Divine Truth teachings as my guide, I started my experiment of giving up addictions by abstaining from marijuana.  That was a big deal for me considering I smoked 4x/day. In a way though, giving up weed was easier than letting go of other non-physical addictions, in that I knew how to give it up- I just had to stop smoking.  Other addictions, I learned, were much more subtle and hard to identify.  Like for instance, complimenting older women I was afraid of so that they would be nice to me.  I had been pandering to dominant women my whole life; ’twas was knee-jerk reaction.  How was I supposed to notice when it was happening let alone stop doing it?

Then there were the emotions themselves.  

I didn’t like feeling angry, or even slightly irritated- that’s why I smoked pot and practiced an hour of yoga every morning!  

I liked even less feeling afraid- that’s why I had a boyfriend at my side throughout my 20s.  

And I definitely, definitely, did not like feeling sad- that’s why I had a drinking problem and a pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away.  

As the emotions came up, I often pushed them back down and numbed out with food or some other addiction, but I experimented with trying to tolerate them more and more.  I found a therapist and told her I wanted to get overwhelmed by my feelings.  I would cry and scream in our sessions and at home. I threw tantrums.  I was pissed that I had to deal with all this pain.  I was resentful of the DT teachings. I wanted the weed back.  I wanted my old life back.  But, as my therapist pointed out, my old life was miserable.  It was familiar and that made it appealing, but it was still miserable.   I knew she was right.

So I kept going, spurred on by the bouts of happiness I’d have after a big cry.  I journaled my ass off.  I went for walks.  I read books about childhood trauma and repressed emotions. I started really examining my life.  I wondered about God.

This shit works

Over time my life improved.    My finances and living situation leveled up.  I felt and looked better.  I was generally less angry and fearful. Some of my physical problems even went away, like my right arm, which used to hurt so bad at times I was bedridden! Other physical problems flared up, and more pain came up too.  But it feels different now.  I feel more connected to myself and have much more self-love through my bouts of pain. Although I would not currently call myself a happy person, I have more and more happy days, especially after a good cry.

DT went from being something I hid from the world, to something I thought was pain in the ass to this valuable jewel in my life I want to share with the world.  

I went from being a suicidal workaholic pothead to a sober exuberant full-time artist.  The positive change is undeniable.

And more importantly, I finally feel like I believe in God, and know she’s there.  I’ve even felt her a few times.  It’s still a very distant relationship, but I know it will grow if I continue to pursue it sincerely.

Conclusion- Totally worth it

I’m still just at the beginning of my journey and have so much resistance to feeling stuff and giving up my addictions, but the results of what I have done, are clearly positive. Feeling my pain has allowed me to have a happier and fuller life.  I no longer worry about Jesus and Mary’s identity and I’m much less scared of telling others about it.   

Although the self-work I’ve done is just that, work I did by myself, it was guided and helped so much by the information I learned from Divine Truth.  It’s been so, so helpful.  And I suppose that as I build my relationship with God, I can go directly to him with whatever it is I need in the future. So besides God herself, Divine Truth, in my opinion, is the best information out there to help anyone become happier and more loving to themselves and others.

And I’m so glad I found it.

I used to be huge stoner and thought weed was a wonderful plant that supported creativity and spirituality.  After years of soul searching, I found out that not only was I wrong, but that weed was very harmful and was suppressing my true vitality. My life without weed is much, much better.  Here’s my story.

“Weed’s not addictive, dude!”

When I was deep in my marijuana habit, smoking 4x times/day, I was absolutely, positively sure that it was impossible to be addicted to it.  I truly believed weed was a harmless plant that elevated consciousness, not a damaging narcotic like opiates or even alcohol.   The latter substances, I declared, wrecked lives, while cannibis enhanced them. After all, I thought, weed helped people-it allowed users connect to their spirituality and creativity. The only reason it was illegal, I pontificated, was because our oppressive government wanted to prevent its citizens from getting enlightened. Pot was good for the planet.  Pass the bowl.

There were other reasons for my marijuana use about which I was much less vocal.

I had always felt like a weirdo that didn’t fit in, and marijuana made me feel less awkward in social situations. Since I didn’t feel like I was cool enough just being myself, I would bring weed to parties as a way to make up for what I thought I lacked in personality.  I might not be interesting enough to talk to, but if I lit up a joint and passed it around, surely people would want to hang around me.

Pot also “helped” me in non-social settings by quelling my anxiety.  I know now that weed allows people to dissociate and disconnect from their heart and get up in their head (hence “getting high”).  So if I was feeling anxious or irritated, all I had to do was smoke a bit to make those feelings go away.  

Putting down the bong 

About four years into my constant marijuana use I watched a Divine Truth talk, lead by Jesus, about addictions.  (More about my Divine Truth journey Here)  Basically, in the talk Jesus outlined how addictions are anything that helps us avoid unpleasant feelings.  By his definition, addictions could be substances, but also behaviors like pandering to others or working 90 hours a week. And more importantly, addictions don’t really make us happy long term as our tolerance goes up, meaning we need more and more of them to get the same “fix”.  And lastly, addictions keep us from having a relationship with God.  As a former hardcore atheist, I wasn’t really sure about the whole God thing.  But one thing was clear, weed didn’t feel so great anymore and I needed to smoke more and more just to feel “okay”.  I decided to quit smoking for 6 weeks.

Getting Super Pissed

Within a day of quitting I noticed I had become more irritable.  Little things bothered me.  I started being short with people and generally feeling dissatisfied.   I wasn’t the only one.  My live-in partner, who was still smoking, started getting irritated too, especially as the days turned into weeks and he realized I was serious about quitting.   Irritability turned into full on rage.

My romantic relationship wasn’t the only one affected.  I realized that most of my current friendships revolved around weed.  It was weird and awkward hanging out with my friends and watching them smoke while I abstained.  I didn’t feel like I was “on their level” when they were high and our conversations didn’t flow easily like they used to.  Within a matter of weeks, my partner and I broke up and most of my friendships faded. 

Over the next two years I went on and off of weed, picking it up every time I didn’t want to feel angry, uncool or anxious.  I started going to therapy and  began to investigate what I was so angry about.  With the encouragement from my therapist and and some Divine Truth videos, I started physically expressing my anger.  I bashed pillows, screamed and yelled, and even broke non-valuable stuff in my apartment.  I noticed that when I had the urge to smoke, and I went on one of my bashing/screaming sessions, the urge went away.  With the help of my therapist and a lot of journaling, I realized I had a lot of pent up rage about how I’d been treated by others (especially by adults in my childhood) as I often pandered to people to get in their good graces.  I was also angry about where my life was.  I had made some bad choices and was upset with my lack of personal and professional success.

The Cloud is Lifted

Over that two year period and since then, I’ve developed a whole new view on marijuana.  I realized how it kept me from feeling my anger and anxiety, which are warning signs from my body that something was very wrong! Therapy, Divine Truth and my own full-on burning desire to find out what was going on inside myself lead me to some gnarly pain that was underneath all that anger and anxiousness.  I felt so much better after dealing with some of that pain.  I’d say I’m much more in touch with myself and a lot happier over all.

(Side note- I’ve also learned from DT that weed smoking is a sign that someone wants other people to take care of them. To me that makes sense considering the “lazy stoner” stereotype. Just saying.)

I also discovered that smoking marijuana allowed spirits to have more influence over me. (Spirits, put plainly, are people who have died and no longer have a physical body.  Most people cannot see spirits, except very young children and some clairvoyants.) When I smoked, I would have the all these ideas pop into my head that weren’t there before.  My mood would change.  In the early years, I enjoyed this sensation as it lead to some “Eureka” moments and helped my creativity flow.  But over time, the more I smoked, the artwork I produced became darker and sadder.  

I realize now that whenever I smoked, spirits were “hooking” into me, sometimes helping me solve problems, but more often scaring and intimidating me with scary thoughts and images. No wonder paranoia is side effect of marijuana.  My artwork these days is much brighter and more hopeful.

No longer tempted

Nowadays, in the rare situation that I’m around people who are smoking weed, I don’t want it at all.  It is no longer appealing to me like it was in the first two years after I quit.  At this point it just triggers regret and bad memories of my stoner days that I have yet to process.  

I still have friends who use marijuana, and I have offered my opinion on weed smoking to most of them.  I truly hope they will find out what I have-that underneath their desire to get high is a lot of pain.  Pain that is begging to be released and is making them feel worse every second that they ignore it.

Conclusion– Weed helped to hide my true self

I’m still avoiding a mountain of pain with other addictions, but It’s a humungous relief to have the ball and chain of marijuana cut from my limbs.  Its like this metaphor Jesus uses of how our true self (who is an inherently happy beautiful person) is at the bottom this huge dirt pile of pile of pain, which is underneath (among other things) another dirt pile of addictions. Marijuana was like one of the top layers on my addiction pile.  Removing it brought me closer to my pain and exposed other addictions. But the best part was that it brought me closer to my true self. From the glimpses I’ve seen my true self is super creative, expressive and loving. Getting in touch with that part of myself feels thousand times better than marijuana ever did.